Sacrifices

I am constantly amazed and humbled at how much support and thanks we receive not only from family and friends, but also from complete strangers back home. The walls in our hangar offices are literally covered in cards addressed to "American Hero", or "Any Soldier". These cards and letters come from all walks of life, old and young, East and West. No matter who they're from, they all thank us for our service and our sacrifices, and while the thanks are sincerely appreciated, I can't help but think that they're addressed to the wrong people.

When I signed up to do this job nearly 14 years ago, I knew that being sent to any one of a number of foreign countries was a likely eventuality. It wasn't really a matter of "if", but "when". I considered my options, and willingly signed on the dotted line. When Jamie agreed to marry me, she knew the possibility existed that I would be sent overseas. She agreed by default to my being in the military, and therefore to her own being in the military. To quote a favorite childhood cartoon of mine ("Super Chicken"), we both "knew the job was dangerous when we took it."

Jaislyn on the other hand, had no choice in the matter, and did not agree to anything. She does not understand where I am, why I am here, when I will return, and most importantly, why I am not there with her. People tell me that 2 year olds do not comprehend such things, and that "she'll be fine". I'm sure in time this will prove true, but at the moment, she comprehends much more than most people give her credit for, and she turns to me for answers I cannot give her.

In talking to her last night, she got on the phone, briefly told me about her day and what she did, and then wasted no time in asking "Dada are you coming home this week?" I could hear the hopeful anticipation in her voice as she waited for my answer. It absolutely broke my heart (and hers too) to tell her that "Dada had to stay at work for a very long time." She was noticeably disappointed by my answer, as she had obviously been waiting to ask me that question for some time. She didn't even ask why, altho I could tell she was wondering. She just said "ok." in a very dejected tone of voice. It was of little consolation when I told her that I loved her and missed her more than anything in the world. She was yet again left to wonder to herself why her Dada wasn't there with her. She doesn't yet know the words necessary to get the proper answers to the questions she has in her head, so people just assume she doesn't have any, but she does. It's obvious every time I talk to her. It's obvious when she goes and hugs my truck, because it is the closest thing she has to me. It's obvious when she stops talking to me and hugs the phone "like a baby". She knows what is happening, she just doesn't know why and cannot yet fully express her feelings on the subject. I can't imagine what that would be like. I remember when I was very young (probably 4 or 5) and my Father went out of town on short business trips. I was completely traumatized, and wondered when and if he would ever come home. Even a weekend trip seemed like an eternity at that age. I've been away from Jaislyn for over a month now, with another 5 1/2 to go before I see her, and another 10+ to go before this oddysey is complete. I can only guess the things that are and will be running thru her little head in that time. I hope someday I can sit down with her and show her these posts, and explain to her where I went and why. That is the real reason for this blog.

My choices and my career have taken me away from my daughter at an age when she has all kinds of questions, but very few answers. I often lie in bed and wonder if I've made the right choices, and wonder if she'll ever forgive me for leaving her. Will she understand some day?

People thank me for my sacrifices, but I'm not the one making them. I made a career choice. Jamie and Jaislyn made the sacrifice. Jaislyn is the one making the biggest sacrifice because she had no choice. I have nothing but the highest respect for anyone who is a member of a military family, but military kids are without a doubt the ones who make the biggest sacrifices and get the least credit.

I Love You Jaislyn...