Something I've learned a lot about in the last year are the stages we go thru when faced with a major shift in our day to day realities. Here is how I've broken them down so far:
1. Denial - "I'll believe it when I see it", "Things will change before then", etc. We try to make ourselves feel better by pretending it won't happen. Sometimes we're right, most times we're not. I was hoping this deployment would be like my last in January, and get put off another year or so. This was not to be.
2. Acceptance - "Ok, so I have to go. Now what?" "There's nothing I can do about it?" For me, this was a period of a kind of mild depression. I don't want to leave everybody. I don't know what to expect. I felt kinda trapped, or "sentenced" (again with the legal stuff). The realization that it WAS going to happen combined with the fear of the unknown was a powerful and relatively new experience for me. This wasn't just happening to people I knew, it wasn't just on TV anymore. I was going to get an all expenses paid vacation to go see it all first hand. Wow.
3. Preparation - A little more reality setting in. Yes, I'm going. Ok. I've dealt with that, now what? What to bring? What to do? Where will I live? What will we be doing? Can I call home regularly? What is there to eat? (hey, we all have our priorities) What's the weather like? As I said in an earlier post, lots of questions.
As I am still on step 3, all the following steps are just purely what I imagine them to be based on stories I've heard. Will keep you updated as I progress thru them.
4. Mobilization - This is the "official" getting ready place. This is where we go to make sure all our paperwork (and there is LOTS of paperwork) is in order, make sure all our shots are up to date, make sure we know how to be nice to Mohammed and Achmed so we don't offend them, take care of legal, dental, etc etc etc. A very busy time to say the least. Oh yeah, and if that weren't enough, this is when we are supposed to find a little more time to spend with our families, because this is the "jumping off point". What I want to know is, jumping off of what??
5. Deployment - Getting settled into my room; letting everyone know where I am; learning the new rules (I just got a 120 page handbook on the rules at our base. Unfortunately, I am not allowed to send body parts from Iraqi soldiers home as souvenirs...Yes, it actually said that in the book. Which means some sick dunce has tried it already...); learning my way around base; learning how to fly there, etc etc. This is yet another intense learning stage.
6. Post Deployment rut - The homesick phase. Ok. We're here, we know what we need to know. We're still not used to it, but now all there is to do is fly, eat and sleep. Oh yeah, and miss everyone back home.
7. A Routine - We've been here for a little while and things are going smoothly now. We're not as homesick as we were at first, and we're making friends and getting into a routine. Things are not quite as doom and gloom as they first seemed. We're going to be ok. We're doing the job, and it's not all that bad.
8. Mid Tour Leave - This is what I've been looking forward to. This has been the motivation that's gotten me thru the first part of the deployment. I've been thinking about this not as a 1 year deployment, but rather as two, very closely spaced 6 month deployments. A large amount of my free time has been spent planning our trip (we're all meeting in Europe) down to the minute, mostly just so I have something to do and something to look forward to. As long as I have an attainable goal to work towards and look forward to, I've found I am capable of dealing with all kinds of obstacles and hardships with little problem. I'm sure that will be true in this case as well.
9. Back to the Routine - Refreshed, and now on the downhill side of the mountain. But now what will I do with my free time? Well, there's a few business ideas I've been toying with, and another vacation that has been in the "idea" stage for sometime now, and I think this will be the perfect time to advance it into the planning stages. Jamie, Moms and Dad know exactly what this is. Houseboat! (Summer 2009 in British Columbia if anyone is interested in joining us!)
10. Getting Ready to Come Home - Doing everything I did when I first got here, in reverse. Shipping all of my large items home, going thru all of the "How to be a civilian again" classes, doing MORE paperwork, and most importantly, counting the days, hours, minues and seconds.
11. Coming Home - Cue the marching band, flags, etc etc. In reality, as long as I have a fairly comfortable seat on the plane and my Ipod battery is charged, all I care about is getting back home and seeing everybody. Just a day filled with hugs, laughs, and relief. Thats all I ask.
12. Reintroduction - Ok, party's over. Time to get back to reality here. What's changed? What have I missed? I've been gone for a year, so I cannot just jump back in and expect things to be the way they were when I left. I've changed and so has everyone else. Time to get reacquainted and get to know each other on a non-telephonic basis again. This will be an awkward stage, but if handled delicately, it should be fairly painless.
13. Establishing Normality - Getting back into a routine here at home. Going back to work, and settling in as the Dada once again, and hopefully remembering all the lessons I've learned in this long, difficult process and taking the time to stop and just enjoy my family.
Note: I had to add a 13th step, just because I didn't want this to be a 12 step program. ;-)
Thursday, September 27, 2007
No Fear?
It is a normal human reaction to fear the unknown. We all do it to some extent, and I am certainly no exception. It is interesting (at least to me,) to attempt to dissect that fear to it's most basic levels and determine exactly what it is I'm actually afraid of and why. In doing so, I find I am usually able to quell those fears significantly, if not do away with them altogether. Unfortunately, I am my best lab rat. That is to say, my "process of elimination" does not seem to transfer well to those around me. They're still worried about me and I can't make that go away. Perhaps in this post I can shed some light for them, and help them to better understand what it is I am truly afraid of.
In talking to people in my day to day dealings, my pending deployment occasionally becomes the topic of discussion. Almost invariably, those without a military background will ask if I am scared (Those with a military background already know the answer.) Yes. I am. But...
Am I afraid of being shot down? (The most common question) Not at all. My airplane has the newest, state of the art defensive gadgets on it, and we are not considered a "high value" target anyway... other words, we're not worth wasting a missile on.
Am I afraid of road side bombs? No. As a pilot, I am not allowed off base except to fly, so road side bombs really are no threat to me.
Am I afraid of being taken hostage? Nope. Again, not allowed off base in Iraq, so no worries there, unless you count being forced to eat in the mess hall a "hostage situation". In that case, I am afraid, but it still beats MREs.
Truth be told, I am not afraid of anything in or around Iraq. The Army does pretty well when it comes to protecting it's own, and they've only had 5 years to figure this base out. I'm not going into some brand new combat zone, I'm "moving in" to an established airbase, complete with swimming pool, movie theater, internet, bowling alley, and air conditioned rooms. Maybe not the Holiday Inn Express, but what the heck, it's free. Besides, the Air Force lets its people stay there, so how bad can it be?
Well then you may ask, what is it I am afraid of? I am afraid of being helpless if I am needed at home. My biggest fear in all of this is that something will happen at home that I could have somehow prevented had I been there. Pretty irrational huh? I think so, but it's there nonetheless. Common sense tells me that life can and will go on without me around to supervise, and there is an excellent chance that it will do so just as sucessfully as ever (maybe even moreso?... nah....)
To combat this ever-present fear, all I have to do is remind myself of the wonderful support systems we have in place here at home. All the family and friends who've been praying for us and who've volunteered to watch out for Jamie, Jaislyn, Mom, Dad and Shannon while I'm gone, I can't thank you enough. It is because of you all that I am able to do this. If I was left to just constantly sit and wonder if everyone was alright, they'd take my wings and issue me a brand new jacket with cuffs in the back. Knowing that there is so much love and support for my family makes all the difference in the world to me. The Army is my job, my family and friends are my life. I am humbled by and eternally grateful for all the kind comments I've received from this blog, and for the overwhelming show of support I've/we've received in general. I will sleep well knowing that so many incredible people are here looking out for my loved ones. Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart.
People sometimes tell me that I'm some sort of "hero", but all I am doing is a job I've been trained and paid to do. I assure you, I am no hero but appreciate the sentiments just the same. The true heroes are the ones who did not volunteer yet still must endure. They are my strength. They are my heroes. Thank you all in advance for taking such wonderful care of them while I am away. With you all behind me, I have no fear.
In talking to people in my day to day dealings, my pending deployment occasionally becomes the topic of discussion. Almost invariably, those without a military background will ask if I am scared (Those with a military background already know the answer.) Yes. I am. But...
Am I afraid of being shot down? (The most common question) Not at all. My airplane has the newest, state of the art defensive gadgets on it, and we are not considered a "high value" target anyway... other words, we're not worth wasting a missile on.
Am I afraid of road side bombs? No. As a pilot, I am not allowed off base except to fly, so road side bombs really are no threat to me.
Am I afraid of being taken hostage? Nope. Again, not allowed off base in Iraq, so no worries there, unless you count being forced to eat in the mess hall a "hostage situation". In that case, I am afraid, but it still beats MREs.
Truth be told, I am not afraid of anything in or around Iraq. The Army does pretty well when it comes to protecting it's own, and they've only had 5 years to figure this base out. I'm not going into some brand new combat zone, I'm "moving in" to an established airbase, complete with swimming pool, movie theater, internet, bowling alley, and air conditioned rooms. Maybe not the Holiday Inn Express, but what the heck, it's free. Besides, the Air Force lets its people stay there, so how bad can it be?
Well then you may ask, what is it I am afraid of? I am afraid of being helpless if I am needed at home. My biggest fear in all of this is that something will happen at home that I could have somehow prevented had I been there. Pretty irrational huh? I think so, but it's there nonetheless. Common sense tells me that life can and will go on without me around to supervise, and there is an excellent chance that it will do so just as sucessfully as ever (maybe even moreso?... nah....)
To combat this ever-present fear, all I have to do is remind myself of the wonderful support systems we have in place here at home. All the family and friends who've been praying for us and who've volunteered to watch out for Jamie, Jaislyn, Mom, Dad and Shannon while I'm gone, I can't thank you enough. It is because of you all that I am able to do this. If I was left to just constantly sit and wonder if everyone was alright, they'd take my wings and issue me a brand new jacket with cuffs in the back. Knowing that there is so much love and support for my family makes all the difference in the world to me. The Army is my job, my family and friends are my life. I am humbled by and eternally grateful for all the kind comments I've received from this blog, and for the overwhelming show of support I've/we've received in general. I will sleep well knowing that so many incredible people are here looking out for my loved ones. Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart.
People sometimes tell me that I'm some sort of "hero", but all I am doing is a job I've been trained and paid to do. I assure you, I am no hero but appreciate the sentiments just the same. The true heroes are the ones who did not volunteer yet still must endure. They are my strength. They are my heroes. Thank you all in advance for taking such wonderful care of them while I am away. With you all behind me, I have no fear.
You Don't Know What You've Got...
It is said that we seldom think of what we have, but always think of what we miss.
The closer I get to leaving, the more apparent it becomes how many people and things I take for granted in my day to day life. Things most people probably do not even think twice about, I have been noticing more and more, or at least trying to notice, but more importantly, appreciate.
Little things like waking up in your own bed and getting a big hug and kiss and a giggly "Good Morning Dada!"from someone who is still filled with the joys and wonders of simply discovering a new day; or turning on the TV and being "forced" to decide which one of the 128 different channels is the least boring; or calling a friend just to say hi; or even just deciding what you feel like having for dinner...these are normal, daily occurances for many people. They are for me as well, at least for now. Pretty soon, well... lets just say my choices are about to become far more restricted.
I'm not sure if Jamie realizes it or not (sometimes I'm not as good at showing things as maybe I should be), but in the 5 days I've been home from Alabama, I've been trying my best to stop and smell the proverbial roses. We've been doing "fun" things a little more than usual. Jaislyn has been to the train park twice in 5 days, we've gone out to eat 3 times (including once to a brand new restaurant that we'd both been wanting to try), we've seen 3 movies, and we've been spending most of our time together as a family. While I was in Alabama, I was also able to take a quick weekend trip down to visit Mom, Dad and Shannon. We were able to spend a good deal of "Quality time" together, just enjoying each others' company. It's been wonderful, but the question that keeps going through my head is, why did it take me getting deployed to take better advantage of what I've had right in front of me all along?
The funny, if not sad thing is, I've been through all this before, albeit on a slightly different scale. When I left for Basic Training a little more than 13 years ago, I had no idea what I was in for. In an earlier post, I compared being deployed with being incarcerated. I'm here to tell you, Basic Training and Warrant Officer Candidate School are as close as I ever hope to come to being incarcerated. I was stripped of all but the most basic of rights and privileges for about 4 months. I had nothing. Nothing that is, but my thoughts, memories and imagination. It was during that time of my life that I learned how much is taken for granted in this great country of ours, and unfortunately, I'd forgotten those lessons learned until now.
My Dad always tells me that things happen for a reason, and while those reasons may be beyond our current level of comprehension, some day it will make sense. It took me a while to realize it, but he is exactly right. Why am I being deployed right now vs. three years ago or two years from now? I don't know. But I do know there is a reason, and if that reason is just to remind me of how much my family and friends mean to me, and of how truly blessed I have been in this life, well then it will be worth the trip.
The closer I get to leaving, the more apparent it becomes how many people and things I take for granted in my day to day life. Things most people probably do not even think twice about, I have been noticing more and more, or at least trying to notice, but more importantly, appreciate.
Little things like waking up in your own bed and getting a big hug and kiss and a giggly "Good Morning Dada!"from someone who is still filled with the joys and wonders of simply discovering a new day; or turning on the TV and being "forced" to decide which one of the 128 different channels is the least boring; or calling a friend just to say hi; or even just deciding what you feel like having for dinner...these are normal, daily occurances for many people. They are for me as well, at least for now. Pretty soon, well... lets just say my choices are about to become far more restricted.
I'm not sure if Jamie realizes it or not (sometimes I'm not as good at showing things as maybe I should be), but in the 5 days I've been home from Alabama, I've been trying my best to stop and smell the proverbial roses. We've been doing "fun" things a little more than usual. Jaislyn has been to the train park twice in 5 days, we've gone out to eat 3 times (including once to a brand new restaurant that we'd both been wanting to try), we've seen 3 movies, and we've been spending most of our time together as a family. While I was in Alabama, I was also able to take a quick weekend trip down to visit Mom, Dad and Shannon. We were able to spend a good deal of "Quality time" together, just enjoying each others' company. It's been wonderful, but the question that keeps going through my head is, why did it take me getting deployed to take better advantage of what I've had right in front of me all along?
The funny, if not sad thing is, I've been through all this before, albeit on a slightly different scale. When I left for Basic Training a little more than 13 years ago, I had no idea what I was in for. In an earlier post, I compared being deployed with being incarcerated. I'm here to tell you, Basic Training and Warrant Officer Candidate School are as close as I ever hope to come to being incarcerated. I was stripped of all but the most basic of rights and privileges for about 4 months. I had nothing. Nothing that is, but my thoughts, memories and imagination. It was during that time of my life that I learned how much is taken for granted in this great country of ours, and unfortunately, I'd forgotten those lessons learned until now.
My Dad always tells me that things happen for a reason, and while those reasons may be beyond our current level of comprehension, some day it will make sense. It took me a while to realize it, but he is exactly right. Why am I being deployed right now vs. three years ago or two years from now? I don't know. But I do know there is a reason, and if that reason is just to remind me of how much my family and friends mean to me, and of how truly blessed I have been in this life, well then it will be worth the trip.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
More Ponderings...
It’s funny the way the brain works sometimes.
The closer I get to leaving for my “vacation”, the more I find myself watching TV shows about prisons. Subconsciously, I think I am drawing some sort of parallel between being incarcerated and being deployed. The two do share a few similarities: I will not be allowed to venture off base (not that where I’m going is much of a tourist destination), I will not be allowed to wear civilian clothes, I will be living in a small 8x10 “room” (Really ½ of an intermodal sea/land container turned Casa De Grunt), have limited contact with friends and family, and I will have few culinary options (Burger King and Taco Bell notwithstanding.)
On the other hand, I will be flying almost daily, I will get to see parts of the world most people never will (and probably wouldn’t want to, truth be told), I am not there for any other reason than because I volunteered to be, and that means a lot. People go to prison for something they’ve done wrong. I am being sent to Iraq not as punishment, but because my unit has enough faith in my talents and abilities to trust that I will uphold their standards of safety and professionalism under some fairly harsh conditions. I am proud of that.
In my 13 years wearing this uniform, I’ve been fortunate enough to have always been stationed stateside. This will be my first overseas deployment, and in many ways, I feel that I owe it to those who’ve gone before me. I know many people who’ve already spent two, three or even four tours in Iraq. They too have families and friends, yet they continue without complaint. Who am I to complain? I am thankful for their sacrifices, and ready to make my own.
People sometimes ask me if there is any way I can “get out of it” and stay home. Sure, there probably is, but the cold hard truth is that if I don’t go, someone else will have to and I would have to try to sleep knowing that I’ve taken someone else away from their friends and family. No, this is not on top of the list of things I want to do, but it is something I need to do. Because I’ve never been deployed, I’ve always felt as if I was “getting away” with something. I wear the uniform proudly to be sure, but I’ve not yet done anything to feel that I’ve earned the right to wear it. This deployment should solve that dilemma.
The closer I get to leaving for my “vacation”, the more I find myself watching TV shows about prisons. Subconsciously, I think I am drawing some sort of parallel between being incarcerated and being deployed. The two do share a few similarities: I will not be allowed to venture off base (not that where I’m going is much of a tourist destination), I will not be allowed to wear civilian clothes, I will be living in a small 8x10 “room” (Really ½ of an intermodal sea/land container turned Casa De Grunt), have limited contact with friends and family, and I will have few culinary options (Burger King and Taco Bell notwithstanding.)
On the other hand, I will be flying almost daily, I will get to see parts of the world most people never will (and probably wouldn’t want to, truth be told), I am not there for any other reason than because I volunteered to be, and that means a lot. People go to prison for something they’ve done wrong. I am being sent to Iraq not as punishment, but because my unit has enough faith in my talents and abilities to trust that I will uphold their standards of safety and professionalism under some fairly harsh conditions. I am proud of that.
In my 13 years wearing this uniform, I’ve been fortunate enough to have always been stationed stateside. This will be my first overseas deployment, and in many ways, I feel that I owe it to those who’ve gone before me. I know many people who’ve already spent two, three or even four tours in Iraq. They too have families and friends, yet they continue without complaint. Who am I to complain? I am thankful for their sacrifices, and ready to make my own.
People sometimes ask me if there is any way I can “get out of it” and stay home. Sure, there probably is, but the cold hard truth is that if I don’t go, someone else will have to and I would have to try to sleep knowing that I’ve taken someone else away from their friends and family. No, this is not on top of the list of things I want to do, but it is something I need to do. Because I’ve never been deployed, I’ve always felt as if I was “getting away” with something. I wear the uniform proudly to be sure, but I’ve not yet done anything to feel that I’ve earned the right to wear it. This deployment should solve that dilemma.
Getting Ready
Back to my original question: How do you prepare for something you've never done before? The only answer I can come up with is questions. Lots, and lots, and lots of questions.
Being that I'm in the Army, I have an advantage. If I don't like the answer I get, I just ask someone else, and continue asking until I get an answer I like. Not very productive, and the answers I like are usually wrong, but what the heck.
For the past 2 weeks, I have been in Alabama doing various and assorted tasks associated with preparing to go to "war" (can't really call what I'm going to do "going to war", but more on that later). I've been ridiculously busy, and have been going from sunup to sundown every day, but darn if it doesn't feel like I'm going 1000 mph in neutral. For every item I check off my list, it seems like two more pop up (usually because I ask the wrong question... I'm starting to appreciate the art of playing dumb). I've accomplished quite a bit in these two weeks, but there is lots left to do in the next 5 weeks or so. While the Army has it’s priorities for the use of my time, they’re going to have to take a back seat to my own priorities, the first of which is spending as much time as possible with my loved ones.
I must say that these past two weeks have provided an excellent opportunity to reflect on all the changes that are about to take place in our lives. One thing I’ve come to realize in all of this foolishness is that I have the easiest part. All I have to do is fly, eat and sleep (and write the occasional blog entry/Email.) I will be extremely busy while I’m deployed, and therefore will be focused on the job at hand. This is not to say that I will not miss and worry about my family and friends, but I will certainly have far more distractions to take my mind off of the loneliness, and I won’t be sitting at home each night anxiously watching CNN and wondering if I was anywhere near the latest bomb that went off in Iraq. I will always know that I am OK. They won’t, and I hate putting that kind of burden and stress on them. I signed up for the Army, they didn’t.
They will be left behind to attempt to continue with their normal day to day activities, without my help. Jamie will have to run things by herself (with help from Spicy…Thank You!!) and will have to constantly explain to Jaislyn why Dada is not home. Jaislyn will be left to wonder to herself why Dada is gone again, and when he will ever come home. They will all watch the news each night, hoping not to hear any sort of bad news, but knowing full well that that is usually the only kind of news that actually makes it out of Iraq. Then they will be left to wonder if I am ok, telling each other that I am probably not anywhere near the devastation-du-jour, but never actually knowing until they get my next Email or call. I am very glad (selfishly) that I am not in their shoes. I don’t do worry very well, and I would be sick with it if the roles were reversed.
That being said, thru the blessing of the Internet and phone cards, I hope to be in daily contact with Jamie, Jaislyn, Mom(s), Dad and Shannon and as many of the rest of you as I possibly can.
In advance, I would like to thank each and every one of you for showing your love and support to me, and moreso to Jamie, Jaislyn, Mom(s) and Dad. The kind words and gestures mean more to me than you will ever know, and knowing that my family will have such wonderful people watching out for them while I am away will help me sleep well at night. Thank you all.
Being that I'm in the Army, I have an advantage. If I don't like the answer I get, I just ask someone else, and continue asking until I get an answer I like. Not very productive, and the answers I like are usually wrong, but what the heck.
For the past 2 weeks, I have been in Alabama doing various and assorted tasks associated with preparing to go to "war" (can't really call what I'm going to do "going to war", but more on that later). I've been ridiculously busy, and have been going from sunup to sundown every day, but darn if it doesn't feel like I'm going 1000 mph in neutral. For every item I check off my list, it seems like two more pop up (usually because I ask the wrong question... I'm starting to appreciate the art of playing dumb). I've accomplished quite a bit in these two weeks, but there is lots left to do in the next 5 weeks or so. While the Army has it’s priorities for the use of my time, they’re going to have to take a back seat to my own priorities, the first of which is spending as much time as possible with my loved ones.
I must say that these past two weeks have provided an excellent opportunity to reflect on all the changes that are about to take place in our lives. One thing I’ve come to realize in all of this foolishness is that I have the easiest part. All I have to do is fly, eat and sleep (and write the occasional blog entry/Email.) I will be extremely busy while I’m deployed, and therefore will be focused on the job at hand. This is not to say that I will not miss and worry about my family and friends, but I will certainly have far more distractions to take my mind off of the loneliness, and I won’t be sitting at home each night anxiously watching CNN and wondering if I was anywhere near the latest bomb that went off in Iraq. I will always know that I am OK. They won’t, and I hate putting that kind of burden and stress on them. I signed up for the Army, they didn’t.
They will be left behind to attempt to continue with their normal day to day activities, without my help. Jamie will have to run things by herself (with help from Spicy…Thank You!!) and will have to constantly explain to Jaislyn why Dada is not home. Jaislyn will be left to wonder to herself why Dada is gone again, and when he will ever come home. They will all watch the news each night, hoping not to hear any sort of bad news, but knowing full well that that is usually the only kind of news that actually makes it out of Iraq. Then they will be left to wonder if I am ok, telling each other that I am probably not anywhere near the devastation-du-jour, but never actually knowing until they get my next Email or call. I am very glad (selfishly) that I am not in their shoes. I don’t do worry very well, and I would be sick with it if the roles were reversed.
That being said, thru the blessing of the Internet and phone cards, I hope to be in daily contact with Jamie, Jaislyn, Mom(s), Dad and Shannon and as many of the rest of you as I possibly can.
In advance, I would like to thank each and every one of you for showing your love and support to me, and moreso to Jamie, Jaislyn, Mom(s) and Dad. The kind words and gestures mean more to me than you will ever know, and knowing that my family will have such wonderful people watching out for them while I am away will help me sleep well at night. Thank you all.
Monday, September 17, 2007
The Preparation Begins
How do you prepare for something you've never done before? How do you "get ready" to leave your friends and loved ones behind for a year? How do you explain to a 2 year old that Dada has to go "out of town" for a very long time? How do I convince her that I am not abandoning her, and that I still love her more than anything, and in fact it is because I love her so much that I must go away? She will never understand at this age. Heck, I'm not sure I completely understand it myself. Maybe when she is older, we'll sit down and I'll explain where I went and why. Regardless of who understands tho, that is my task at hand and I have about another 5 weeks to find and implement the answer. No pressure. I just hope time flies this quickly while I'm away.
More to follow.
More to follow.
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